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March 21 • Loose Change

Day 621

Recovery is tough. Not as tough as throwing my life away in acting out, but it is not a picnic. It is almost impossible to do it alone, yet working my problems in the context of other people is sometimes the hardest part.

I have friends in the fellowship who are single — often because of their acting out — and others who are married, despite their acting out. I honestly don't know which would be less tough, but neither do I believe in the green grass on the other side of the hill, so I remain thankful for the bride of my youth that continues this journey with me.

But I do grow weary of trying to deal with the consequences of my addict-related history while also working on how I interact with my wife. Doing that without falling back into old habits, many of which led to my stupidity seems to be a particular challenge.

Now and then, I do slip into the most common and most dangerous marital trap where we tell ourselves that we would be happy if this other person in our house would change the way they laugh or the way they love or the way they hang the toilet paper. These are my issues, not hers. I'm not saying she's perfect, but neither would she be perfect if she would suddenly do everything right according to my preferences.

This in no way means having to leave anyone behind, including myself. Recovery is a team sport, and all I can do is play my position to the best of my ability with courage and strength.

So I will endeavor to figure out what my issues have to do with her issues, then find the courage to change what I can...in myself.




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