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March 27 • Especially Special

Day 261


Oh my dear God... how can something so convincing be so contradictorily common? Much of my life — not just my acting out, but especially that — has been based on a lie that says:


I am not like other people; I am unique in my acting out as well as how I live life.


According to my counselor, multiple readings on the subject, and the experiential shares of the meetings I attend, this is a clarion call of my addiction. It says to me:


Because you are so special, you are an outcast.

You are therefore nothing without me; you are worthless.


Even as a kid, I knew I was “different” from most of my peers, and even made the mistake of sharing that insight with my best friend. Once. Then I needed a new best friend.


I thought at various times that I was smarter or dumber, more sensitive or more callous, wiser or more foolish, more loving or more cold, more courageous or the most paranoid, and other things that puffed me up or put me down. But they all separated me, and ultimately each of those lies led me to various forms of isolation and multiple types of acting in — alone with myself, because life was just more comfortable that way. I believe my greatest danger right now is still rooted in isolation, of acting in, of choosing to separate myself.


My addict tells me that life is just easier that way, and all my problems will resolve if I’d stop talking about them and give in to what’s easy.


Fucking liar.


–JR

 

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