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March 30 • What to control?

Day 264


I feel weak when I am calm and flexible and charitable. When I am lashed-out against, I scream responses in my head, but most of what comes out of my mouth is gentle and humble-sounding platitudes. I'm rarely satisfied with such exchanges and generally recoil into some layer of isolation. I don't want to lash-out. I want to be sincerely gentle and loving. But I also need not to feel like I lose every battle because of tone. Maybe I need to control my mental rage, not just learn to release it. However, there's a mentor in the program that repeatedly tells us that we can't win by fighting, only by releasing. I suspect the healthy answer is somewhere in the middle. In the balance. Again.


–JR

 

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