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May 02 • Doubling Down

Day 297

I was living a double life, and that is still unbelievable to me.

Too many times I've watched someone in my evangelical tribe exposed as having had what we called a 'moral failure.' Before I faced my own sexual addiction, I spent years on the judgment train, often marveling at how the people around them surely knew about their behaviors and just protected them. The duplicity a person is capable of astonishes me, and one of my greatest fears is that I could ever return to such a miserable existence of protecting a righteous image while violating my own values, much less those of the people who would judge me and cast me aside. My ability to separate these parts of my life in my own mind, and to keep them secreted away from anyone who would object, frightens me. I was so damn clever for years; I was such a great liar.

And I understand more and more about how rigorous honesty is critical to being able to stay away from that line. It might be the most important factor.

My secrets are still, too often, held close because I know that if the people who love me find out one more thing about me, that I will have crossed the line of grace and will be completely unloveable. I'm pretty sure that's not true, but it's still very real to me. I have to dance with those spontaneous times when I lean into something less-than-true because I want to protect the moment and or my image. I'm trying. I really am. But this is hard. It seems like it should be easier.




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