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May 03 • A Heady Future

Day 664

Am I glad I'm a sex addict? Hell no. Do I think the pain I lived through and put other people through was worth the peace I'm now touching? A little less 'hell' but still, no. The problem is, I know too many people in recovery who can say 'yes' to both of those questions. I suspect that getting to that point will be one of the last significant epiphanies I hope to encounter along this road to recovery. I do hope for it, maybe even expect it because of the people I know who have found that. And because The Promises seem a lot less like fairy tales to me now than they did two years ago. I'm a very different person than I was two years ago, and a better person than I was five or ten years ago. My wife volunteered that observation to me yesterday, and I'm beginning to trust her instincts. If any of that is true, I must guard against them being enough. This is a journey without an arrival. If I begin to think I have accomplished total healing, I believe I will be in great danger of returning to past behaviors, and then everything will be for naught. I know a lot of guys that have gone down that road, too. The future is not written. Success is not guaranteed; neither is failure. I have much to be thankful for today, and all of it is worth the fight to stay sober, at least for today.




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