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May 06 • Cry, Stop, Repeat

Day 301


How often did I try to stop, or to undo what I'd done? After the initial switch was flipped and I went back the second time, not very often. My brain just stopped thinking about consequences and sought more comfort. About halfway through my acting out period, I began trying to stop every time, every day, every minute. I did stop, dozens of times. Then I grew weary and separated my life into duplicity, acting like the other side didn't exist, regardless of which side I was living in at any given time. I flew toward self-destruction without fear or regret or hope.


Then one day, I released a small portion of my fight into the hands of someone else, someone that suddenly had the power to finish my destruction. Someone who chose to love me instead of hurt me, and hope came to life. I gave her my secrets as best as I could, and she stayed, even as she learned more. Hope is not theoretical. Hope is the gift of life wrapped around what's real, and flavored with what could be real.


–JR

 

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