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May 06 • Deeds of Defects

Day 667

For many years I thought my biggest personality weakness (or 'defect' as the program prefers) was that I wouldn't stand up to people who were treating me unfairly. To persevere, I attended seminars in conflict resolution and personal persistence, trying to learn how to overcome those who held me back. It wasn't until I attended a 12 Step workshop a year ago that I began to put that part of my history into perspective, and it shocked me. Even now, as I re-read the first paragraph above, I hear that familiar voice in my head telling me that I am such a good person, and all my problems are caused by someone else. I know I never believed that, because I've always been friendly with my darkness, but I lived my life out loud and faced troubles as if I was the victim of other people's shortcomings. Damn, that's deep. I've always known I was far from perfect; I just didn't want other people to know that. When I would get sucked into the whirlpool of porn, I believed it was because I wasn't getting enough attention from my wife. I was wrong. I know that now because I've faced my porn pattern from long before I met my wife. When I would cower at conflict, I thought it was because I was never given credit for my goodness by all the people that talked about me behind my back. And the list goes on. Admitting to myself that I have been a lying bastard and secret sexual obsessor since before puberty has been the most significant part of my recovery. Realizing that my compulsion is far more real than my image — instead of the small weakness that I've told myself it was — has gotten my attention and strengthened my resolve to be better. I am who I am. I've done what I've done. My defects are real, but they no longer dominate me, and won't as long as I am honest about them with myself and others. I am who I am, but I am not yet who I can be; I have not yet done what I can do, if I can just stay sober, at least for today.




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