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May 10 • Probably Mostly Honest

Day 671


There are people in my life that have hurt me in ways that have contributed to my addiction. I did not know that there would be consequences from these incidents, and I'm pretty sure that none of them knew it either. I can't say that for sure, because my memory is just not completely clear on that point. Some of those people have passed away, so those stories seem to be closed cases. Others I avoid, creating cold cases. For right now, I am comfortable with where I am in my amends and forgiveness granting, but I have a feeling there is more to be done as I learn more or needs change. I cannot control that today, so I let it go as much as possible, which is usually mostly. I have to confess that I'm holding back just a little with today's journal entry. I could be more specific and more speculative about motives and even individuals, but either I'm not ready to go there, or I'm not prepared to put such things in the eyes and minds of others who know me and may read this. That sounds like a cop-out of some sort, but that's the deal for today. Maybe tomorrow will be different. There's something about writing such things down that brings them into the sunshine, even if it's just into the light of my own thinking. I've done this enough now that I can expect these thoughts will linger and eventually lead to more realizations that will be a step or two closer to health. They might be small or big, but it all goes into the pot and becomes part of the porridge that feeds me along the journey. It's nice to be able to recognize the cause and effect of all this, at least as much as I am capable of for now.

–JR

 

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