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May 14 • Down, Down, Down...

Day 309


I am terrified of letting my sexual needs and wants out of the shadows because I'm afraid of the compulsion taking over. Again. How do I release enough of those desires so that I can experience healthy sexuality with my wife, without tarnishing it in either of our minds? Ninety+ percent of my last 9-10 months have been without the random, persistent fantasies that have dominated my life. I thank the program, my wife, good counseling, and my Higher Power for this reprieve and for this time to stabilize my recovery. However, my lack of courage has been a recurring theme in coming to terms with myself, and I can't help feeling weak when thinking about my fear of what new sexuality would look like, or whether it would be controllable. It feels proper to be able to express this anxiety in ways that make sense to me, but I don't know whether that alone is sufficient to move me toward health, or if it just makes me self-aware of the deep hole I've dug for myself. It feels safe down here, even though it's not pleasant. It feels dangerous up there... I feel in danger of being found out that I'm not who they think I am, in danger of finding out that I may be who I don't want to be, and in danger of failing sexually. Yes, I am also failing sexually down here, but it's dark here, and almost no one can see either my failures or my fear. But the one person who can see is the only one I want to please, and she continues to be hurt by it. So, I do not know what happens when I crawl up these slippery walls toward the sunshine, and that seems to support the risk of not taking the risk, even though I know better. I must learn the difference between falling and failing; I must learn to escape and not succumb; to fail and not give up; to fall and get up. Again.


–JR

 

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