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May 23 • Better Today, But Why?

Day 684

Today has been a pretty good day, especially compared to the last couple of days. I can point to several factors that I think have turned me from the darkest hours I've had in months.

• Last night, we had several family members over for dinner, and that lifted my spirits, especially since most of them are aware of my addiction and have never treated me poorly because of that knowledge.

• A couple of people I hardly know inquired yesterday about my employment situation with questions about what they could do to help. It was nice to believe that there may be some momentum on that front that could lead to a job.

• My wife had been trying hard for a couple of days to encourage me with affirmations about everything from my cooking to my fashion choice. While I was in a place where compliments are almost painful to my undeserving psyche, telling her that I was aware of her efforts was a big moment for me.

• Sometimes it seems silly which things help. I also spent a few hours trying to get my garage cleaned and organized; I don't want to admit that that's a helpful thing, but it probably was.

But here's the reality... I called my sponsor yesterday, and I called the guy that served as my temporary sponsor for my first six months in the program. I puked on both of them. I told them about my ugly thoughts that I had not had in more than a year and the things I was trying to do to escape them. It was embarrassing and awful to admit that I was struggling with the sorts of brain games that I know could take me to dangerous places, mentally as well as literally. It also felt very selfish of me, though they never contributed to that feeling at all.

I understand and am thankful for how family and a supporting wife helps me in these moments, but I really can't explain how the whole sponsor thing works, or why. If I could, I would probably use it a lot more. For now, it's part of surrendering the struggle I know, to the Steps that I'm still getting to know.

That's acceptable for today.




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