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May 24 • Funny How It Works

Day 685

The idea that I can be in a depressive spiral — whether driven by shame or biochemicals — and at the same time have some level of confidence that there is a way out in a likely short timeframe, is a lifesaver for me. For so long I have lived in these shadows of life for days at a time knowing that this is it, this is the one that gets me, this is the nightmare from which I do not awake. Then one day the sun comes up, sometimes for a reason and other times things just got better. Immediately my memories of being in the hole would quickly be no more vivid than the recollections of last week's dreams, and I was just sure all was well and that I would never revisit the darkness. And the cycle would re-start. Again.

It is refreshing and even courage-infusing to fall into the pit of despair and still have hope. The work I've done in the program encourages my desperation to calm down as the panic creeps in. That is soon followed by a previously unknown strength to take small, affirmative steps to face my defects in ways that I have learned can help me surrender to the will of my Higher Power.

It isn't magic. Neither is it a recipe from a box of instant oats for a works-every-time-in-60-seconds guarantee. But it is a promise that it works if you work it. Sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly.

When I don't know how or when I will emerge from a dark day, at least I now have the benefit of a mythical little bluebird on my shoulder, assuring me that I've been here before and it is temporary.

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah to me, the way it was supposed to be.



Mister Bluebird's on my shoulder

It's the truth, it's "actch'll"

Everything is "satisfactch'll"


–James Baskett (as Uncle Remus), “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” from Disney's Song of the South



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