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November 08 • Emoticonning

Day 487

There is a lot of talk in recovery about it being okay, even necessary, to own our feelings. 'They' tell us that our feelings don't have to be accurate, just honest. We're told it's okay to cry and let our personas soften so that we can be cared for by our program compatriots. I agree with all that, but I still struggle at the other end of that transaction.

I don't mind crying in front of the guys; I'm over that anxiety. But what do I do when guys are crying in front of me? I still jump to a judgment that this person is seeking attention, or is a 'user' of other people's emotions, or worse, will require emotional investment from me if I put a hand on his shoulder or wrap my arms around his hurt.

I have seen guys reach out to hurters in the ways I would like to, and I wonder where they learned that. Should I be that healthy at this point in my 12 Steps? Should I be protecting myself from people like that or investing in them because that's what I would want from them? Or is that what I would want?

By the time I've methodically walked through all those questions, the friend in need of my shoulder has hopefully regained his composure, and I can worry about it another day.



I wake up trying to text emoticons and "X-O," all caps

Would you meet me

Down at the so and so on somewheres

When was it ever enough? Was never enough

–The Fiery Furnaces, ”Down at the So and So on Somewhere"



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