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November 11 • Go Figure

Day 490

It's now sixteen months since my last inner-circle acting out, and I'm still trying to understand how my sexuality is now supposed to manifest in my life. I still have moments of being bombarded with the old fantasies — and fighting them off — and have had 'success' not going where I should not go. But I am still not close to any sort of 'normal' sexuality, to the frustration of my wife and myself.

I hear phrases like 'sexual anorexia' and 'intimacy avoidance,' and I assume that is me. Still, I have been unsuccessful in finding a way back from the ubiquitous sexualizing of everything to a place where I can enjoy the eroticisms of my marriage.

Weirdly, I'm sort of okay with that, except I know it's not helping things at home, and that adds to the pressure to figure it out. Don't get me wrong; I would LOVE to have it figured out. I do still like the thought of sex, but I don't trust myself with those addictive thoughts that have been such a part of me for so long.

My response to that quandary has been to one-day-at-a-time the hell out of it, hoping or trusting that patience will solve the problem. I'm losing hope on that score, and feel like I need to be more intentional in restoring a part of me that I don't think has ever existed, sexual health.



I see the rain cloud

It won’t be just misty rain I knew

But right now I’m just fine

Cause I got everything out of mind

Let future me figure it out

–quicksand bed, ”Future Me"


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