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November 14 • Lazy is Hazy

Day 493

Having a shortage of things to do is not a problem that frequents me. Having the energy, or even the interest, to tackle the most mundane tasks, is likewise not the most common of my morning observations.

Maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't think so. I used to think it was that simple, but as I've drilled more in-depth into my life and memories, I see a pattern of being 'lazy' when my addict is the most active. But which comes first — am I lazy because I'm addicted, or does being an addict use up so much energy that there's nothing left for a healthy life?

My opinion is quite self-serving, especially to that part of me that still worries about image and true motivations.

Aside from using the opportunity to celebrate something as an excuse to visit a massage parlor, I cannot think of a single instance of acting out where I felt energized or even happy. Oh, I could act like it, especially if I were drinking, but there was always a heaviness, or perhaps it was pure guilt, before, during, and after what I would do to feel better.

It's getting harder to imagine being that man. I look forward to when I can't summon him at all.



Hard keepin' it all inside

Good times, good God

I'm so lazy I almost stop!

I'm wicked and I'm lazy

Ooh, don't you wanna save me

–David Byrne, ”Lazy"



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