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November 19 • Say What??

Day 498

Walk the walk. Talk the talk. Walk the talk. Talk the walk. Blah, blah, blah...

I have spent so much of my life saying what other people want or expect me to say that I still get confused about what I really think.

This practice wasn't just an addict trying to project an image; I was paid to speak representative words for other people or corporations or lobbyist groups. I suspect my lifelong practice of doing it for myself made me good at doing that for other people.

I am getting better at saying what I think. However, when I'm struggling or triggered, I find it's still almost impossible to not hold my emotions tightly, which always results in at least a bit of isolation and passive-aggressiveness. I've come to hate those times more than anything I'm dealing with, but apparently not enough to overcome it.

I believe I will continue to get better at this, but I don't know how it will happen, and that's disconcerting. Or is it faith in the program and my Higher Power?



Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead,

If you could only

Say what you need to say

–John Mayer, ”Say"



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