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November 23 • Sonova Beach Lies

Day 502


The Program teaches me that we sex addicts have value, and that we can have things of value like healthy sexual lives. My addict friend tells me something different.


As a man of faith who believes in consequences (never mind that part about grace right now), my addiction reminds me daily that I am eternally guilty, so why not carry on as I was. It tells me that I have permanently soiled myself with my deeds and thoughts, so I can never really have anything clean and pure in my life again.


My addict 'friend' is a lying sonofabitch whose voice is still heard — sometimes loudly and sometimes more softly — at every decision point and quiet moment in my life. It is still not clear to me whether I should believe this will change — that the voice will fade — or accept it as the plight of recovery. Another possibility is to accept this routine rejection of unwanted impulses as the gift of reminders of what I've come through and how easy it would be to fall back.


I will do the work, and I will trust the testimonies of the 12 Step fellowship; I will be content with what my Higher Power gives in this regard without complaint or arrogance. I do not know what tomorrow brings, so I will prepare for it with the simple words, "Not Today."


–JR

 

Yesterday I was on the edge

Hoping everything was going to work itself out

A good honest man doing the work of God

Trying to make things better for Him

A lover of life in a school for fools

Trying to find another way to survive


–Cat Stevens, ”Music"

 

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