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November 25 • 1st, 2nd, or Both

Day 504

Is my depression a reason, or is it more of a result of my sexual addiction? Is it even related? I fear the answer is "yes, yes, yes" and "no, no, no" or some combination thereof; not terribly helpful, but a good description of the struggle to understand.

I think the short answer, for me, is that of the chicken and the egg. Does it matter which came first? The fact is they tend to hang out together, feeding each other with a cocaine-like attraction that leads to an overdose one way or the other.

That observation sounds a bit like another cop-out. My addict loves this debate because it gets me thinking about both issues way too much. There is a helplessness here that is a significant enemy to my well-being. Both issues are very real and very damaging. The meds help me with the depression, and being better mentally certainly helps me with the addiction.

I stopped taking the meds a few weeks before my first inner-circle acting out. As part of getting my grits together, I resummed the meds the same day of my last acting-out, 15 months ago. That proves nothing, but the correlation is not nothing neither.

I have concluded I must fight both of these incursions into my heart and soul for the rest of my life, and I am not alone. God bless us, everyone.



Well, there's paradise and doomsday

It depends on which comes first

There's inner peace through meditation

There's optimists and pessimists

I don't know which is worse

–Ringo Starr, ”Hopeless"


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