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October 01 • Slowing

Day 449

Slowing down is so contrary to my pattern, even if it is welcome to my inner preferences. I've been a high-capacity doer for most of my career, so walking softly often feels like I'm just not working hard. The truth is, my work productivity has undoubtedly taken a hit, both in my acting out and now in recovery.

I tell myself — and I do believe — that I am doing what I can to produce and survive economically right now. My random bursts of energy and productivity seem more related to tasks than to the operational capabilities for which I have received recognition over the years.

Slowing down is also counter-intuitive to my wife. I don't think she's opposed to it, but she isn't good at it. She has shown me grace and patience in the name of recovery, but still gets frustrated with me in areas of life that are not so obviously important to getting better. I don't always know which are related and which are just general weariness.

I am tired. Most of the time, I wonder how I'll find that old energy to persevere in life, as well as with recovery. But some of that energy was destructive, so I'm careful where I look, and I am trying to be okay with moving the proverbial ball slowly forward.



All my life I've been living in the fast lane

Can't slow down

I'm a rollin' freight train

One more time

Gotta start all over

Can't slow down

I'm a lone red rover

–Imagine Dragons, ”Polaroid"


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