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October 04 • Volatile Violations

Day 452


More than a few times, I found myself saying,

"I can't believe I just told you that," or "Why am I telling this to a perfect stranger."

That behavior always surprised me, but it was a significant contributing action that I now know led to three affairs. I may have known it then in the context of fantasy seduction, but I never recognized it as a pattern.


I'm not even sure I was telling them the truth, but without a doubt, I told other women things I should have been telling my wife, and no one else. At some point, these personal incursions became as much a part of my acting out as the physical. Or, perhaps the physical became as much a part as the personal. The more I think about it, the less I can claim clarity on which led to which.


I've already learned I cannot trust my memories on a lot of these sorts of intimacies, and I'm okay with that. I want to release those recollections as much and as fast as I can, and apparently, that is happening. I have a shame rush right now thinking about this level of violating the sacred trust with my wife, but hopefully, time helps turn these wounds into scars, as well.


–JR

 

I fall on the floor in a mess and then I confess

All of my sins to a perfect stranger

And you're a perfect stranger


–Mental as Anything, ”Partyline"

 

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