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October 05 • fAiLeD sUccEss

Day 453


Joining a program for sex addicts does not cure sexual addiction any more than joining a weight loss program makes you skinny. We still have to do the work, and sometimes it's a slow process. I suspect it's always a slow process.


I have not acted out in the 409 days since I disclosed my behaviors to my wife. I tend to think of my recovery as sudden and dramatic as if I was evil one day and holy the next. But the truth is, I failed over and over before my recovery began to take. For the first seven months of regularly attending my first 12 Step program, I continued to act-out, sometimes right before or after a meeting. I do not remember considering it that much of a failure, but more like two lives in one body. That still haunts me.


Something in my soul knew I had to change, so I went through the motions until I had no choice, until I reached the proverbial fork where I had to go all in, one way or the other. This determination was not bold or courageous; it was survival. I was, I am, one of the lucky ones. And one of the most fortunate things I fell into is a group of men who are amazingly just like me, in all their differences.


I am sober for me, and I want to be sober for my wife, and I choose sobriety to honor the love and investment of fellow addicts that care about me.


I will stay sober, at least for today.


–JR

 

Now Mr. Failure couldn't let things go

Couldn't handle emotions, never had control

Was a bubble boy, didn't want to see it burst

He says his life is the best but it's really the worst


–T. Karras, ”Mr. Failure"

 

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