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October 09 • Forward & Backward

Day 457

The devil we know is sometimes more attractive than the angels we are yet to meet. That's ridiculous, assuming the conventional interpretations of devils and angels, yet such is the confusion of my addicted brain.

I often wonder as to the composition of my fears. When I was acting out, my greatest fear was getting caught — or willingly giving up — would mean that I would never have sex again. Since disclosure, I've been far more uncomfortable with physical intimacy requirements than I've been with abstinence as a lifestyle. So, that which I feared most turned out to be the least of the things I should have been worried about.

Does that apply to my continuing fears?

Am I about to be rich instead of jobless and poor? Will people appreciate my recovery instead of condemning me to the outskirts of my tribes' village? Will allowing my sexual thoughts to slowly return lead to a healthy sex life with my wife, or will it take me back down the paths of my hellish yesterdays?

I believe the only answer is that I do not know. The evidence is that fear rarely lives up to its promise. Yet, here I walk, two steps toward recovery, and one step back into the lairs of the liars. It is there that calls me. It is what I know and where I learned to survive, if that is what I was doing. But I know I will not escape that life again.

I will go forward today, and tomorrow I will deal with the slippage or the progress in the most healthy way I can.



You know life can be long

And you got to be so strong

And the world is so tough

Sometimes I feel I've had enough

How can I give love when I don't know what it is I'm giving

–John Lennon, ”How"



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