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October 11 • Avail This

Day 825

The more I write, and the stronger I feel in my recovery, the more I think about sharing what I've learned. And the more I think about that, the harder I ironically work to make sure no one outside of my recovery circles can identify me as a sex addict, in the name of honoring the infamous anonymity principles of the program, of course. Either that or I'm just willing to waste what God has done for me in the name of personal privacy.

I also recognize a pattern of me always trying to be a star at whatever I do, and I worry that this is at play even in recovery. I don't think it is, and I'm not aware of any mental projections that end well if I were to go 'public,' but my addict knows all this too, and he's a sneaky little devil at manipulating motivations.

I think I have to find a place of willingness, without pressing for a specific plan. That's a willingness to stay private, as well as a willingness to be outed. I used to preach that God doesn't care about knowing our abilities, because He gave them to us, but He does care about knowing our availabilities, because He gave us those choices.

My track record of making good choices relative to my disease is not a good one. It's been much better the past two years, for sure, but overall I'm still running a deficit on any Karma scale. I guess I don't trust my intentional plans beyond working my program, and for now, that's enough.

I'll continue to ponder the possibilities and try to be faithful to the balance between willingness vs. proponent of a particular scenario for the rest of my recovery; the rest of my life.

It helps to know I'm not the first to struggle like this, and I will not be the last. I might even be in the majority. But right now, it's just my Higher Power working something through me, and me trying to be patient and willing to go where and when He nudges me.



I know that my ability

Is not Your main concern

It's my availability

And willingness to learn

–Petra, “I Am Available"



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