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October 13 • Cray Cray

Day 827

This has been a long day. I did not get to write in the morning, or maybe I just chose not to make room for it. I woke up in a foul mood after some stress-dreaming left me exhausted to start the day. It didn't get better until the evening when my wife asked me what was wrong and begged me not to make her pay tomorrow for whatever I was mad about tonight. That is a pattern that we've identified — two or three days of my passive-aggressive pouting followed by my finally telling her what's bothering me.

I was ashamed of myself. I didn't have to defend anything because, on the one hand, I had already recognized those feelings that often led to my acting out. On the other hand, we've gotten better at bringing-up uncomfortable subjects in ways that do not trigger the other person into a defensive posture.

She was right, and she had seen more than I thought I was showing. I tried to assure her that I was not mad at her, even though I really couldn't verbalize what was bothering me, and I committed to myself that I would get over this before waking up in the morning. Can I really make that decision tonight and keep it tomorrow? We'll see.

It just dawned on me that there is a silver lining to this crappy day: It's been a long time since I've had a day like this. By 'long time,' I suppose I might mean a couple of weeks, but it feels much longer than that. I'd have to go back through my journal to find a day that compares to this. Maybe it's been months.

That's a good thing.

My wife never accused me of anything. She didn't ask me whether I'd remembered to take my 'happy pills' (did I??). We didn't fight about it; we just talked.

Those are all good things.

Sleep tight.



Sick and tired of fighting, all the crap inside

Starting a new day, breathing in the morning

Got a feeling leaving something behind

He sees the lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely days

–Volbeat, ”The Mirror and the Ripper"



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