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October 14 • Nice Nice

Day 828


Today is my wife's birthday. I don't know whether that occasion is a good reason to try to treat her special, especially as I'm trying to put yesterday behind us, but it doesn't seem like a bad reason.


Even before my reading and meditation time this morning, I took her to breakfast and soon found I wasn't having to work at treating her special anymore. I was having kind thoughts and even desiring inclinations. What did they put in those pancakes?


Our day is still only half over, so there's still plenty of time for me to mess this up. As I say that, I get a smack on the head from a memory of my counselor telling me not to be so negative. I have no intention of messing anything up and don't think I will, but I don't know that I ever did on purpose. Oh well...


Sometimes I get tired of trying so hard to be a good partner. But then I try to imagine how hard it is for her because I haven't tried enough.


Being a better person is never as simple as a decision to be a better person. But I'm pretty sure it often starts with that. I suppose random emotions and hormonal rages can make me lean this way or that way into how I treat people. For now, I'm going to set those aside as a biological uncontrollable that I have not yet conquered or released. What about the rest of the time?


I know there are at least a dozen other moments a day when I have the opportunity and the ability to make a conscious effort to be nice to someone. Most of the time, the effort leads to someone feeling better, even if it's just me. That pattern seems like something worth pursuing.


Is this part of an addict's struggle, or is this just life? I don't know and don't particularly care. I'm not just an addict; I'm also a person full of regular issues and responsibilities that non-addicts also have to deal with. However, there does seem to be a pretty direct link to how I feel about myself — my worthiness vs. my shame — and how I treat other people.


If I can be better sometimes through a decision to release something that is bothering me, even when I cannot identify what that might be, then can I do it most of the time? It seems worth a shot.


Happy Birthday, Babes!


–JR

 

Oh, it's so nice to be with you

I love all the things ya say and do

And it's so nice to hear you say

You're gonna please me in every way

Honey, I got the notion

You're causin' commotion in my soul


–Gallery, ”Nice To Be With You"

 

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