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October 15 • Cowl Removed

Day 463

My life has been a dichotomy of evil and angelic. Until the days of my acting out, the evil was limited to my fantasies, my lies, my treatment of my wife, my hypocrisy, and other little things like that. My goodness was overly influenced by always trying to be good, and my habit of shading my reality to cast a silhouette of a Godly man.

For me, this is the manifestation of moral failure, not the acts of sexual addition that others would point to as the reason for my fall. It took years for me to recognize the journey from acceptably rationalized sins to a full-blown sex addict, er, sexual sinner; by the time I was doing something I knew was totally wrong, I was way past the line of being able to stop.

The following sounds horrible to say out loud, but acting out may have saved my physical life, that is, until it started killing me and everyone around me. It became the elixir that softened my emotional misery sufficiently to go on day to day, and then became the drug trying to take me and all that I cherished away.

I believe my inability or unwillingness to confront my rights and wrongs for so many years led me directly to, well, here. Now, what will I do?

As my son said when I disclosed my addiction,

"Okay, so you're telling us you are not Batman."

I would have preferred a failed Superman analogy, but I suspect even in that is some insight into my perceptions vs. that of others. I am not a superhero or even a super dad. My desire to be healthy clashes with my desire not to be sick and the mirrors in my glass house still reflect darkly, at best.

I am a man. I believe I am a good man, awash with shame, and unable to find the right door right now. But I am not unable to look for it, so the search continues.



When it all comes true we'll see

Until then, Until then

Until they've reason to

Think I've a shot at redemption

–A.C. Newman, ”I'm Not Talking"



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