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October 18 • Won & Done?

Day 466

The idea of a little backsliding is very frightening to me. Not that I want an excuse or ready-made pass for fucking up, but there is some comfort in knowing that I still have a place to go and share if I do. That might very well be the solace that would keep me from going all-in to the dark side after losing a single battle.

My gut tells me I'm just one-and-done from losing everything, and I trust that instinct enough to do everything I can to not relapse. But I will also keep the faith and forgiveness of my brothers in my heart so that if I do need an understanding shoulder to keep me in life, it will be available.

I feel guilty not putting my wife in the front of that line to hear my confession. Still, I think the reality is that I'll need the accountability and acceptance of my fellows in order to make the best decisions possible to go forward with my family. That said, where I am right now, I cannot imagine ever giving in to that life again. But if I do, I want this in writing. I'll want my recovery to restart with reminders of what I once thought and how that might compare with a new reality.



You don't have to deny your urge

It doesn't make you bad

On our admission the makeweight lifted

Stop dwelling on the past

–Maxïmo Park, ”Your Urge"



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