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October 19 • Wartime

Day 467

All my life, I've been immersed in the world of certainty about things of which no one can be certain. From knowing that I'm going to heaven to knowing that people not like me are going to hell, I lived in a mental state of guilt over my doubts and shame at my inability to inflict certainty on the lost.

I have no idea what role, if any, that has on my sexual addiction, but I do know that it created this space in my thought world that made lying easier than arguing or even being a heretic. So if I could lie to myself and my world about God, what's the big deal about lying about porn and eventually sex outside of my marriage.

Boy, that's a disturbing jump and possibly a faulty one. It is also making sense as I am allowed to ask questions about my life journey and why I picked the roads that brought me to this point. It is also true — using my own logic — that I do not know that there is a connection between my religion and my lying, but it makes tremendous sense to me right now. That's not blaming the Church, and certainly not God, for what I've done.

Still, the certainty of religious leaders has a strong track record for bringing un-peace to the world, so why should it be a big jump to believe their shepherding methods would contribute to our being at war within ourselves?



I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield,

Down by the riverside

Study war no more

I ain't gonna study war no more

–Pete Seeger, ”Down by the Riverside"



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