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October 23 • No Peace in the Valley

Day 471

I have a long history of loving myself when I am close to being who I think I should be, then hating myself most of the rest of the time. My self-loathing was not based on how I was behaving (until I began acting out sexually); it was rooted in that space between who I thought I should be and the hypocritical reality of who I was, especially between my ears.

Perhaps the hardest part of recovery is being okay with who I am, broken and incomplete. As a person of faith, I understand the teachings of grace and God loving us as we are; I have long been a teacher of such encouragements to others. But as a person of intelligence, I could never find peace in the void that fills up between knowledge and behavior, the valley between theory and reality.

It is still tough for me to be okay with not being okay. Ironically, being okay with that dichotomy seems to be part of the path I have found.



Oh, oh, everyone to the spaces

Between our love and hate

And social graces

Oh, oh, everyone to the choices

You make between your ears

And hear, funny voices

–The Breeders, ”No Way"



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