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October 24 • iffing my way

Day 472

Just as I was a self-righteous religious paragon of integrity for most of my lying life, I became a self-righting maker of new rules that allowed me — perhaps required me — to act out with impunity. I went from being better than everyone else on the outside (while struggling on the inside) to breaking out of my external celibate shell (and dying on the inside).

Now I'm wrestling with this idea of undefended honesty as a core component of recovery. It's hard, but I'm learning to like it. Then comes the concept of "acting as if..." as a tool to combat both acting-in and acting-out. There is a taint of the old image protection in that concept, but I understand the difference; I'm living it. I'm not 'as-iffing' to look like I'm working the problem; it IS working the problem. If I give in to all my base thoughts and desires — even in their significantly reduced quantities — then I'll be engaging the addict regularly, and that is unacceptable.

Today, I will do some things as if I want to do them, hoping that I am re-wiring my brain on the journey where 'acting as if' turns into my new normal. I will refuse to drink, refuse to look at porn, refuse to allow unwanted fantasies to have their way with my thoughts, and I will avoid otherwise harmless situations that I know could trigger memories or harmful actions. And I will do these things today 'as if' I have no desire to do their opposites.

Already I have seen the progress and the changes, but there is much more that is needed. So I will not mind as-iffing until the desires of my heart have the strength to stand up against my addict with neither fear nor feign.

Today I will live as if I will not lose my sobriety.



Unless there's something I've missed

I'm acting as if

Oooh yeah

Oh I'm acting as if

–Sara Evans, ”As If"



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