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October 27 • Dolls & Guys

Day 475

My wife and I have long joked about — and taken seriously — the areas of our masculinity and femininity that seem to be in reverse of the expected. For example, I am more of a 'warm fuzzy' while she has more black-and-white tendencies.

The list is not insignificant, and it has been a source of insight and humor for most of our marriage. Even in our sexuality, we often had different expectations than social 'norms' might suggest. How that plays out in my recovery, or how it affected my active addiction, is not clear to me by any means.

We each seem reasonably comfortable in our own skins in this regard. That doesn't mean that there is no conflict nor that we wouldn't like more predictability, but we've learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship by being okay with our relative roles, or at least not trying to be what we're not.

I could make a case that issues such as personal power, libidos, submission, rebellion, and the nuances of love languages have been made more challenging by uncertain expectations. I can also make a case that we've avoided some land mines for the same reasons.

In recovery, I think I'm open to about anything that helps me heal and stay sober, and I'm fortunate to have a partner that supports that.



Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;

Eternally noble, historic'ly fair;

Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat

Well, why can't a woman be like that?

–Henry Higgins, ”A Hymn to Him"



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