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October 30 • The Unfixing

Day 478

One of my basketball coaches used to tell me — repeatedly — to let the game come to me. I've always tended to respond to unproductive times with a crisis-management mentality that dictates urgency and forcing the issues. I did the same thing on the court, and it seems I've done the same with my pain and seeking to meet my selfish needs.

I've heard it said of automobile racing,

"If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'."

That speaks to the urgency of winning, getting things fixed, and believing that we have control over things that we do not. After many months of pushing against my behavior and then pushing against recovery in the name of fixing something, it feels like life is coming to me.

I nearly destroyed myself and everyone I love by giving in to what I came to know as my addiction. I cheated and lied and tried everything I knew to control my world, and none of it worked. I'm learning that the world will be just fine without my arrogance and without my meddling.

I'm still searching for the fine line between letting the game come to me and just sitting on the bench, picking at the dried chewing gum under my perch. I still need to dribble well, pass generously, take good shots, and help the people around me be the best they can be, and let them help me.

Recovery is a one-person team sport. Nobody can do this but me, except for all the others doing the same, seeking the same, for themselves. What a strange thing this is.

God, please bring me what you want me to have for what you want me to do. I'm trying to be patient.



If I could kidnap an angel, I'd clip off his wings

And bring them to you that would fix everything

If I could kidnap an angel he could teach us to fly

We'd live forever, forever, we'd never die

If I could kidnap an angel

–Bon Jovi, ”Kidnap an Angel"



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