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October 31 • Tricking the Treat

Day 479

Isn't it remarkable that the very things we do to ease our pain and make our lives better are the same things that consume us and exhaust us, and leads to our self-destruction? We were tired and wretched from our acting-in, and we picked new behaviors that took tired and wretched to new levels. And our response was to keep leveling-up like Donkey Kong.

I suppose that's the norm for addicts, but I had no idea I was an addict until I was nearly dead. Once I started wondering whether I was an addict, what did I do? I leveled-up again, of course. A lot of the suddenly 'free' time I have, the time I used to spend obsessing on my next fix, is now given to recovery. And that's okay.

A person who breaks both legs will suddenly have a lot of free time because they can no longer play basketball or dance or go jogging. They need to spend time in rehab, relearning good habits for limb health, and leaning on new friends and professionals for tips and experiential advice. As the healing progresses, they will walk further with loved ones, sway gently to new beats, and work on their dribbling while hoping for a return to form on the court.

I have met people who seem obsessed with recovery and 12-step enthusiasms; not many, but a few. I don't think I want to be that guy, but I am absolutely obsessed with never again being obsessed with my addictive behaviors. So if that's what it takes, I'll happily unmask and knock on every recovery door I can find to ask for help and to offer to others whatever I have to share in experience, strength, and hope. And I'm okay with that.



I wear my memories like a shroud

I try to speak but words collapse

Echoing "Trick or Treat"

"Trick or Treat"

The bitter and the sweet

–BSiouxsie and the Banshees, ”Halloween"



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