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September 02 • The Truth Is...

Day 420

Am I finally being completely honest, at least with myself? I fear I am not. There is still a game to be played in showing our best sides, even in recovery where there are no best sides.

Would I ever admit to a desire to be hurt by someone I have hurt? Not on purpose. But when someone suggests that maybe I might, I wince. I try to protect my heart against the shrapnel from that truth bomb, but it's too late.

I remember thinking just yesterday that it's easier to be lashed out at than it is to be loved; one I deserve and one I do not. But I'm not supposed to feel that way, not anymore. For me to admit that I still don't understand why people who know me love me, feels like a step back.

I need people to see me as someone who is continually moving forward through recovery. I need to see myself that way. But the truth is... well, the truth is whatever it is, and it is not affected by what I say it is. I so much want to be completely honest with everyone about everything, particularly myself. I must stay focused on that, on undefended honesty, and I'll let the truth take care of itself.

Wait, aren't truth and honesty the same thing?

I can be honest about what I think is true, but then I read a passage or hear a testimonial and realize my honesty was simply me in search of the truth. That is better than it was yesterday, so I will trust in my Higher Power that my honesty will become closer to truth that sustains each day.



Said, "it looks to me like they've all gone wild

It was peaceful back when I was a child"

Well, man, could it be that the girls and boys

Are trying to be heard above your noise?

And the lonely voice of youth cries "What is truth?"

–Johnny Cash, ”What is Truth?"



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