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September 03 • Fighting Myself

Day 421

I am so weary of fighting myself. Every time I have tried to be someone I am not, or tried to make someone think I was more than I was, there was always the internal struggle.

I've often thought that the reason I would be exhausted after a day filled with people was that I am an introvert. That's the explanation of pop-culture and social media, and I was pleased with that explanation. But more truth lies in that dynamic between energy used to maintain an image and me just being tired of myself.

I am getting glimpses of the pleasure and newness that comes from no longer waging that war, or waging it less. I see The Promises coming true, sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly.

I want to laugh without being judged. I want to express life without fear of failing. I want to recover without that damned specter of relapse.

Today, I'll settle for being sober.



I'm waging a war

A war in me

The war in me is wailing

I still believe

To tryin' all this

Is short of bliss

To kill the cycle that I've fed

–Kenna, ”War in Me"



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