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September 14 • Extreme Expectations

Day 798

The first time my counselor asked me what would happen if I told my wife about my drinking and sexual acting out, I don't remember thinking about divorce or job loss or anything else. I remember answering that, "I'll never have sex again." I'm hoping that my memories of that day are flawed. Maybe the question in my recall is taken out of context, but it still baffles me that my answer to any question would so blatantly express my obsession with what I've learned to be an addiction.

Now, more than two years after disclosure, I'm still muddling through the opposite extreme of things that concern me. To a troubling extent, my sex life has been the least of the issues of my life and in my recovery. I hope the time is coming when I can feel like my intimacy avoidance issues are no longer factors that control my life, in either extreme.

For some reason that I don't always understand, these kinds of thoughts and memories come to mind as reminders of where I was, how far I've come, and the possibilities that remain. I try not to go there on purpose, because I've lived my life in arrears and I'm learning to not do that on purpose, but learning to deal with unhealthy possibilities in an atmosphere where breathing is easier than it used to be, seems like a good thing.




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