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September 13 • Sacrificial 'BS'

Day 431

There is nothing wrong with putting someone else's needs above mine, sometimes. There is nothing wrong with putting my needs above someone else's, sometimes.

My addict brain was fed for years by the martyrdom of putting others first, and then pouting about not being treated as well as I was treating others. Whether feelings, tasks, or sexuality, I regularly brooded about the price I paid for being such a nice guy. I guess I'm finally calling bullshit on that. The truth is becoming more evident that I haven't been near as benevolent as I imagined, but I did a great job of fastening that perception to my image.

That means I deserved neither the credit for selflessness nor the pity I poured for myself like a glass of iced tea. Maybe I'm now constructing 'new boundaries' or perhaps just embracing what is emerging as common sense.

Either way, in this place, I must first insist on my honesty and then give attention to whoever needs it most, even if it's me.



I'll re-define self-sacrifice

Live my life as apologetic compromise

I'll know you need if I rock the boat

I feel this, truly proclaimed will help the curbing of this tendency

I know this sharing of shame will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily

–Alanis Morissette, ”Spineless"



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