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September 19 • Alonely

Day 437

"Alone time" has been vital to me for as long as I can remember. As a kid, my most valued time and treasured memories are playing in the woods, walking the backroads of East Tennessee, riding my bike, etc.

I do not know whether some earlier abusive event triggered that need and started a pattern, or if it was no more than what it seemed to be. As an adult, my alone time became isolations involving long drives, arcades, porn, fantasies, and the pursuit of more fantasies. As a full-blown addict, I added bars, drinking, drunkenness, anonymous flirtations, seductions, and multiple sexual partners.

As a recovering addict, I feel I've lost the right to alone time because so much of my acting out was hidden and excused by that need. But there is still this journaling, working on my Steps, and the random moments that I try filling with fix-it projects and other productivities.

This need to recharge is genuine, but it also can be a slippery slope back into isolation. I must be careful to neither neglect this time, nor abuse it or use it as a hiding place. Like so much in this life of recovery, it is another search for balance, wisdom, and smart decisions.



As I stand alone on this moonful night

for the first time I feel alone in life.

–The Temptations, ”I'm Ready for Love"



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