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September 21 • Drank You Very Much

Day 805

When I was first exploring the possibilities of recovery, which covered a period of nearly a year prior to disclosing to my wife, I don't remember being grateful for much. Most of my gratitude was for my cleverness in not getting caught, although the shine had worn off that accomplishment long before. Still, I was happy that my family thought well of me (in their ignorance) and that I had a roof over my head; both realities that could have vanished at any time, or so I thought.

I was also a little thankful for mind-numbing alcohol, although I have no idea why. I was not a happy drunk and I always felt guilty about it, but I kept going to places where that was a part of the acting out, and then I'd drink more when I got home. I don't know why it still beckons to me, but it does. I want a drink almost every day. No, that's not right... I want TO drink almost every day; I don't know that I've ever had just one drink.

Today I am thankful that my mind is clear enough to be thankful for blessings known and unknown in my life. I am thankful that my wife knows all about me, and especially thankful that she did not leave me. That's a little like saying I'm glad I'm not paying the full potential consequences of my actions. But the truth is I may still have consequences to pay. I hope not, and I do not welcome that season, but neither do I fear it, and I cannot control it.

I'm also thankful that I did not have a starter drink yesterday and hopeful that I will not drink yet today.

I feel better physically. I'm not worrying a lot about money and prospects, which is odd for me, especially being unemployed for more than seven months. It doesn't all make sense, and I'm even thankful for that. I never had as much control over my life and circumstances as I thought I did, so to be able to see that, and to accept that, is truly gratifying. It doesn't make me work less or hope less, but it helps me fear less and work for better reasons.



You at home can easily decide what's right

By glancing very briefly at the songs I write

But it don't help me that you know

This ain't no way out

–The Who, “However Much I Booze"



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