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September 23 • Does IT Matter Now?

Day 441

Through recovery and counseling programs, many sex addicts have connected dots between childhood abuses and their current struggles. Those lines are less clear for me.

I have few memories of traumas or obvious wrongs inflicted upon the younger me. Yet, the addictive patterns and internal struggles of so many others with those memories are consistent with my own. That may be evidence that I have suffered damaging experiences, but it is not proof.

I still struggle with the question of whether there is a good reason for my addiction, or maybe I'm just a walking moral failure; I don't think that kind of mental jousting helps. Yes, there is part of me that wants there to be something awful from back in the day that I can blame. There is also a part that cannot stand the thought of blaming anyone I can think of that had the opportunity to do something like that.

So I look through the hazy rearview mirror of my responsibilities and admit I am a sex addict. I acknowledge that I need the help of my family and my fellows. And I accept that something shameful may or may not have happened decades ago, but it is irrelevant to whether I should do the work that I must now do.

I will do the work. I do not need to know more than I already remember to know I cannot return to what I was.



Doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter

It doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered

It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars

You're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

–Barlow, ”Walk Away"



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