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September 27 • Easy vs Honest

Day 445

The telling of my lies is not limited to other people. I used to think I was smart enough to know at least when I was lying to myself, but it seems that is one more way I was disingenuous, if not blatantly dishonest.

How many times have I gone 'passive-aggressive' in the name of keeping the peace? How many times have I not faced a demon in the name of having no moral authority? How many times have I let evil win in the interest of stopping the shaking and the pain? How many times have I lost track of whether I was going up or down, and didn't care?

I just got off the phone with a fellow addict. During the conversation, I moved right into the mode of counselor and advisor and began pointing out his deflections and self-deceit. At least I found the courage, eventually, to admit to my friend that I was talking to myself more than to him. He was welcome to continue listening, but it was me that needed to hear my preaching.

I'm also dealing with another reality that I'm not ready to commit to print. A few days ago, I was struck by a thought that could be devastating to my plans and desires, and if it's true, it means I've been lying to myself about this for a long time. That sounds dramatic. Unfortunately, it's much more subtle than that; just a nuance of merging conflicts where I've taken the easiest paths, and not the honest ones.

Now to find the courage to confirm it or put it away, and the strength to act on that courage.



The words, they are too much

When you show me my reflection

When the sun goes down

We all get lonely

Watch me as I disappear

These empty sounds and endless stories

–5 Seconds of Summer, ”Thin White Lies"



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