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April 09 • Thanks for No Memories

Day 274 I have no memory of any childhood sexual abuse against me. There's nothing in my conscience that I fight every day like I know some people do. However, through the work I've done in the program, I've learned that I have family members that were aware of some things that were done to me by another family member. Since I never said anything about it, they never found the opportunity or need to talk about it, assuming I didn't want to. There are other evidences that there is indeed something there, but I do not pursue it; I don't feel the need to know specifics. For one thing, I fear using such histories as an excuse that I lean into as reasons to fail.

I read somewhere that being a victim of sexual abuse does not mean you will be a sex addict, but if you are a sex addict, chances are high that you have been abused. Some people do need to know the details, and this is by no means a comparison to suggest one way is better than another. I've spent too much of my life already in excuse-land, and that hasn't worked for me.

Maybe because I've judged so many other people so harshly that I know I deserve not to have an excuse. And I don't want an excuse. An explanation would be good, for sure, but not an excuse. I did what I did, and it's on me, but I do want to understand more, so I can fear less. –JR

April 09 • Thanks for No Memories
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