August 14 • Changing, Not Leaving
Day 401 It is becoming clear to me that my slide into sexual acting-out was accompanied by an opposite and equal slide away from my spirituality. Oddly, I didn't move away from God — or at least I was confident that He was not moving away from me — but I was letting go of the relationship between myself and the supernatural. My consciousness was entirely on the physical, but it seems likely that even that was a search for something unphysical to fill the holes created by my addictive actions. It turned so quickly into a self-feeding starvation and a death spiral through the vacuum of self-focus. I did not decide to return to spirituality as a singular decision, but it is happening as I open my heart through recovery. And I am thankful for that. My soul does not seem to be returning to the same form as before; there is still a lot to explore in this restoration of that realm. Still, it seems more genuine than ever with a sincere desire to be led wherever my Higher Power wants to take me, and a lot less of trying to get to where everyone tells me God wants me to go. –JR I am not done changing Out on the run, changing I may be old and I may be young But I am not done changing –John Mayer, ”Changing"