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August 30 • Sex By Another Name

Day 417 It's day 373 since I disclosed nearly everything to my wife. There have been a couple of additional disclosure 'updates' along the way, and through it all, she has been forgiving, trying to understand, afraid, and devastated. As recently as last night, we talked about the difference between the 'sex' that my addict chased and whatever else it was that drove me. SAA tells me that it wasn't sex that drove me; it was love. That sounds so simple (and sick), and it resonates as likely correct, but I think that it would be even more painful for my wife to think I did not feel loved by her. I don't ever remember thinking that, so it was never a conscious 'she doesn't love me, so I'm going elsewhere,' but maybe throughout my life, this was such a deep-seated feeling — being unlovable — that I couldn't feel it from anywhere. What I found was not love, or I would have stopped looking. And I certainly wouldn't have been paying dozens of women for that. Or would I? This issue is very complicated and layered for me, but maybe I just don't want to face this, yet; I really don't know. I do know that being a sex addict, at least for me, was less about the sex than it was this other thing that I've yet to identify in short answers. Maybe I need a better label other than 'sex addict' to categorize me. Maybe I need to keep working the program, with undefended honesty, and let it work out day by day. –JR

August 30 • Sex By Another Name
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