January 30 • Matter of Time

Day 205 I wish I had a better understanding of the how and when of my addiction. To identify the beginning as that day of my first overt acting out behavior indicates a snapping of some sort, or maybe it was a decision to throw away everything I've ever believed about right and wrong. To say my acting IN since I was a kid was the first step, and the waters of fantasies slowly flowed along until they cascaded into my real world is to color my whole life with guilt and confusion; I can't find a time that says "it started here." I see no good choices among those options. I would settle for what is true if that can be known. –JR