July 03 • Knock on Would

Day 725 During a virtual 12-Step meeting this morning, a friend sent me a private chat asking me how I'm doing. In a typically flippant way, I responded that I'm in quarantine in the middle of a pandemic. The country is being ripped apart by partisan politics. I haven't had a job since February. My wife has worked two days since March. Our parents need more and more of our time and energies. My body is aching from digging trenches and burying the tubing for my new DIY irrigation system. My DIY irrigation system leaks. Other than that, I'm doing pretty well. Oh, and did I mention that I'm a sex addict? The irony is that the last thing I mentioned may be why those other parts of a topsy-turvey life are not bringing me down. Maybe I've seen life from the bottom of a dark hole, and by comparison, a little virus now and then is no big deal. Maybe I'm spending three hours a week in meetings with sex addicts that are committed to helping each other with tools and tips for staying sober and being a better person. Perhaps my Higher Power has more access to my heart and soul since I'm not spending so much time lying to myself and everyone around me. I am doing pretty well, Epson salt baths and mega doses of ibuprofen notwithstanding. In fact, I would say I'm blessed way beyond anything I deserve. True, that is a low standard, but my blessings are such that the bar could be raised significantly, and I would still be ahead in the plus column. It bothers me a bit to write such things; it somehow feels like daring fate, and now I'm looking for something made of wood that I can knock on to break the spell of bad luck that fear says follows premature celebrations. That is pretty old school thinking and is no longer reflective of how I really feel. But I jest and deflect in the interest of not giving too much credit to my 12-Step program and the role of everything in my life that has gotten me to this point. Would I rather be sitting on a million-dollar savings account with a Tesla in the garage, professional sprinklers watering my yard, and a vaccine in my veins? I would, but I doubt that I would be doing any better at the end of the day than I am on this day. Hey, don't knock it, and thanks for asking. –JR