July 04 • Sweet Dreams

Day 360 All my life, I have believed — almost assumed — that I was going to be “somebody”. Even as I was living this lofty expectant life in my head, in conflict with my reality, I believed that something — God — would create a breakthrough moment that would give me significance, if not a legacy. Almost as soon as I began acting out, I let go of that expectation; I was proving to the universe that I was neither worthy nor capable of such trust and accomplishment. I certainly proved it to myself. There is also a contradiction in my life that I have never been a dreamer. I’ve not set many goals and have certainly not lived my life in a disciplined fashion that goal-setting requires. I just thought if I was good enough, worked enough, and were clever enough, I would make a difference. Now, I believe the most significant thing that awaits the rest of my life is sobriety. If I can save my marriage and love my wife with integrity, passion, and care, I will have contentment. If I can help a few people get through their brokenness or addictions the way a few people have helped me, I will have accomplished more and received blessings far beyond anything I deserve. That’s a pretty lofty dream. –JR But there are dreams that cannot be And there are storms we cannot weather I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living So different now from what it seemed –Fantine, ”Les Miserables"