June 15 • Reasonable Reasons
Day 707 I do not know why I'm a sex addict. I have theories; even my wife and my counselor have opinions. In some ways, my ideas complement theirs, and in other ways, not so much. I know a lot of addicts that have spent their live blaming childhood abuses, alcoholic parents, uncaring spouses, and a litany of other very reasonable-sounding possibilities for their addictions. Counseling helped me understand that there are reasons — whatever they may be — that have played a role in my life-long build-up to jumping off the addiction cliff. Understanding those possibilities has given me room to pursue recovery tools, as opposed to just feeling sorry for myself. I find it interesting that in recovery, specifically in 12 Step communities, I rarely hear anyone blaming anything for their addiction. Sure, they make correlations between bad things that happened and the compulsions that wrecked their lives. There are also connections between letting go of the resentment that comes with putting a face on our failures, and growing as a human. I just came from a meeting listening to 12 Steppers talking about 'forgiveness.' Several guys (including myself) admitted to having trouble forgiving others, forgiving ourselves, and accepting the forgiveness of others. But even those with direct connections between where they've been and where they are were quick to point out how their recovery suffers when they hold on to the blame game, and how much better life gets when they accept that they've made mistakes. There are reasons people make mistakes, and there is a difference between making mistakes and making no effort to make amends, regardless of the reasons for the pain. Recovery is a treasure worth fighting for. The pain of resentment is a poison that can bring the fight to an ugly end. –JR