March 19 • Beauty and Ugly Together
Day 253 Many times in-between my acting out, I was fortunate to experience the majesty of nature around me. My memory is graced with several specific occasions where I would turn to an inspiring scene or beautiful sunset, and my soul would cry out to the creator for help. I was cold to any answer, but such times were always touchstones for me, moments to acknowledge how lost I was — the conflict between who I had become, and who I still wanted to be. I never really allowed myself to indulge for more than a moment. Even now, I see things or think about possibilities, and I still feel unworthy to enjoy them. Perhaps this is out of some egotistical guilt, or maybe just feeling like I don't deserve to take the time away from catching up on the parts of life I've left by the roadside. So I trudge on, hoping for and anticipating a time when I can give myself permission to breathe deep and take in the beauty of life that I know still exists. –JR