March 26 • In Then Out

Day 260 My addiction was always set aside from the rest of my life; at least that's what I thought. It never really dawned on me that there was a connection between those issues and the depressions I have fought for many years.

I was never good at separating my life into healthy compartments. My acting IN was as ubiquitous in my pubic life as it was in my private life. The fantasy adventures of what could be were everywhere, from looking around at female co-workers in meetings to checking out the drivers in every car sharing the road. They never left me.

My acting OUT at the height of my addictive behavior was an effort to bring meaning and sanity to my fantasy-laced life. Instead, it brought me to the recognition that my thought life was not the medicine I had convinced myself I needed to deal with the insanity of life. It WAS the insanity, and it led me to insanely dangerous behaviors from which I feel I will never be completely free. I am also living in gratitude for life and the lives that could have been ruined by my actions but were unbelievably spared. –JR