May 12 • Needs vs. Wants

Day 307 There is no question that I thought I needed the alcohol and the sex to satisfy whatever was not satisfied in my life. Even before my season of acting out, I pretty much lived life like I needed sex to get by, and it just always seemed like a struggle to get the right amount. Somewhere in there, the alcohol helped soften the pain, or even helped express it, both of which I believe were deceits in my life; both just different forms of pushing crap down.

But then the same thing happened in acting out. My "needs" were being met... by strangers. I knew that was not possible as a reality, and yet there it was happening. Slowly it became clear that I was confusing needs with wants. I'm still, frankly, confused between the illusion of needs and the baffling abilities of desires to disguise themselves as life-affirming values. I don't feel like I have many needs right now, and maybe even fewer wants, and I don't think this is a good place.

I want my wife and I want my family and I want good food to eat. I need them, and it scares me to think it might just be part of my infatuation with myself. I used to embrace the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach to life, but now it seems cold.

I do believe in the road I am on, that it will lead me to much more clarity in such thinking, so I'm content to do the best and be the best I can until my truths become more apparent and stable. –JR